“Got a problem with some maniacs? Then you better call Traxx!”
This film is cinematic dysentery and I can’t explain what force possessed me to actually watch the damn thing. A friend of my brother’s has a very…”unique” VHS collection, and the description on the back of the box caught our interests. Now, under normal circumstances, I pen my own ridiculous plot summaries for the reviews I write, but not this time. I think, instead, I shall transcribe for you what is written on the back of this box. Keep in mind, it was meant to actually sell the movie to an unsuspecting public.
“Traxx (Shadoe Stevens) is a mercenary ex-cop who knows nothing about the law, but everything about justice. He’s tried El Salvador, Lebanon, Afghanistan, but something keeps drawing him home – the smell of fresh-baked cookies.
“Traxx dreams of starting his own cookie business, but faces two problems – he can’t raise the money, and he’s the world’s worst cookie-baker. To raise the cash, he returns to the one thing he does know about – gang-busting for fun and profit – taking on Capone-clone Aldo Palucci (Robert Davi), almost single-handedly demolishing an empire built on drug-running, murder and prostitution…
“The cookies, on the other hand, aren’t going so well.”
Can you really blame me for being intrigued? The plot description is not misleading in any way, shape or form; this movie is honestly about a loose-cannon ex-cop on the edge who cleans up the mean streets of Texas with his rugged lone-wolf attitude while baking cookies on the side.
Traxx tries to be an action-comedy along the lines of Beverly Hills Cop, but occasionally dips into the absurdity of Naked Gun. One of the factors which makes Traxx so difficult to endure is that director Jerome Grey honestly thought he had a hit with this gem. He tries to throw in moments of “kickass” one-liners or scenes he thought would go down in cinema history (like that unforgettable moment where Traxx jumps on a skateboard, latches onto the back of a cop car with his nightstick, then leaps from the skateboard at full-speed, crashing through the window of a pet shop and taking a group of gun-toting maniacs by surprise). I mean, Christ, they even get some 80’s band to perform a theme song for Traxx. It’s really bad.
Being a bottomless reservoir of cinematic creativity, Traxx hardly ever touches upon action movie clichés. I mean, certainly Traxx doesn’t befriend the first street savvy black man with an attitude he meets and the pair form a close bond which is only accentuated when said black guy is wounded by the enemy during the climax.
God dammit.
Said streetwise black man, Deeter, is played by Willard E. Pugh. You might remember him from Robocop 2, where he played the mayor who couldn’t stop screaming “Dat’s BULLSHIT!” over and over. They gradually build a bond of brotherly love over the course of two weeks. How do you know they care so deeply for one-another? Why, during a musical montage where they dance around like retards in front of a lake at sunset, of course!
The badguys of the film are almost as bad as the main heroes. The mob boss, Palucci, is played by the character actor Robert Davi. There’s a good chance you’ll recognize him from License to Kill, where he played Franz Sanchez. He’s been in tons of other movies, however, and has a pretty extensive filmography. As it stands, he’s the most professional/successful member of the entire cast (well, either him or Famous Amos, who makes a cameo at the end). The other badguys are the Guzik Bros., a trio of psychopaths who have a vendetta against little league baseball. In one of the film’s only highpoints, the Guziks kidnap a team of little leaguers and then tie them to the outside of their car as a shield as they pick their final battle with Traxx.
Normally, I’d warn you to avoid this movie, but why bother? It’s not on DVD, they never play it on TV, and most self-respecting video stores would have hurled this thing into the garbage years ago. Avoiding it is not going to be an issue.
Grade: F
Men in Black (1997)
I was immediately drawn to this film when it came out in 1997; it was like Ghostbusters but with aliens. It sure as hell beat that year’s extraterrestrial alternative, Contact. Ugh. Men in Black, based on the Malibu comic book series, takes a concept you’d think would be rather simple, an organization that polices alien activity, and really works an intriguing story out of it.
The Men in Black are a top secret non-Government organization which monitors and polices alien activity on planet Earth. Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) is a founding member, and after the retirement of his long-time partner, Agent D, is in the market for a replacement. He finds promise in a rough-around-the-edges NYPD detective (Will Smith) and hires him on. Now known as “Agent J”, the newbie must learn the ropes of his new life and employment…and he’s got to learn them fast. It would appear that an alien “bug” (Vincent D’Onofrio) has come to Earth in search of “the galaxy”. With it he can conquer his enemies as well as the planet.
What makes Men in Black so different is that it avoids the whole “Government” angle one would expect from a movie about alien cover-ups. The thought of an organization even more top-secret than the Government is refreshing and keeps the scope from being too limited or predictable. As the movie goes on they divulge bits and pieces of the “MIB’s” history, such as how they can fund their operations, how they first began policing aliens and how they manage to get away with what they do without anybody noticing. It adds a sense of “realism” to the works, in that if an alien-policing organization *did* exist it could conceivably function in this manner.
Men in Black is also a fun spin on the tired “buddy cop” genre. K is the stoic and by-the-books seasoned veteran, while J is the “I play by my own rules” loose cannon stereotype. Yet, they play off one another in a way that’s genuinely hilarious. The presence of sci-fi material and over-the-top gadgets like the “LTD” or the Noisy Cricket injects some fresh ideas into what would normally be a stale formula.
The special effects are both good and bad. The 1997-era CGI isn’t exactly astounding, though at the time, it was considered amazing. Thankfully, they blend the CGI with traditional effects like props and costumes, so things don’t feel quite so fake. Mikey, for instance, works pretty well, transitioning from a guy in a costume to a CGI beast rather smoothly. One thing they pull off which I absolutely love is the manner in which the aliens disguise themselves as humans. Some simply morph their bodies, while others wear a variety of costumes or even the skin of other human beings. Tiny aliens pilot full-sized human “mechs” while some go the “ghetto” route and wrap themselves in a blanket and simply stick a puppet-head out the top. It’s very clever and funny.
The chief villain, Edgar, is realized rather well. For the bulk of the film, he looks like a walking corpse with skin that doesn’t fit quite right (as is the intent) and Vincent D’Onofrio pulls it off extremely well. The final battle, where he morphs into the giant “bug”, is a bit too heavy on the primitive CGI, but makes for some really funny moments and a very solid ending.
Men in Black eventually spawned a totally kickass animated series (which *needs* a DVD release) as well as a mediocre sequel that you should probably avoid. I’ve never read the original comics, so I can’t tell you how accurate of an adaptation this film is, but on its own merits it is very fun and memorable.
Grade: B
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
This film is gloriously racist.
I’ve always wanted to use the term “gloriously racist” in a review and in the first sentence, no less! Well, the term fits this movie like a glove and you don’t have to be racist to enjoy this movie (though it helps). “Borat” doesn’t pull its punches and instead slugs you square in the funny bone with a pair of brass knuckles. I’ve never seen anything so overtly politically incorrect in my entire life, and rarely have I ever laughed so hard in a public place. You may end up feeling like you’ll be going straight to Hell for laughing at the jokes in this film, but its okay, because everyone else in the theater will be joining you.
Borat Sagdiyev (Sacha Baron Cohen) is a television reporter in his home country of Kazakhstan. Have you ever heard of Kazakhstan? If the answer is “no” then I can hardly blame you. The cultural differences between America and Kazakhstan are staggering, and Borat wishes to bring the two cultures more closely together. Along with his producer, Azamat (Ken Davitian), Borat travels to America to film a documentary to help the people of his country more properly understand and appreciate American culture. However, the people of America have a tremendously difficult time appreciating Kazakhstan culture, leading to one awkward moment directly after another. Shortly after arriving in New York City, Borat is sidetracked by an episode of Baywatch and becomes smitten with the beauty of Pamela Anderson. With a new goal in mind, Borat and Azamat travel across country to California in order to meet Anderson, learning more about America along the way.
The character of Borat originates from the television series called “Da Ali G Show”, which I’m afraid to say I have never seen in my entire life. I don’t even know what channel it’s on (BET?). I mention this because, honestly, you don’t need to know who the **** “Borat” is to find this movie funny. All you need to know about Borat you learn in the first ten minutes. He’s from Kazakhstan and he likes America. That’s it.
The sense of humor in “Borat” is scattered all over the grid. It can range from intense gross-out humor, to subtle “did he just say that?” humor, to slapstick gags, to types of humor I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. The main joke is that Kazakhstan is so incredibly backward from American sensibilities, it’s a miracle the two nations manage to coexist.
I mentioned that this film is “gloriously racist” and I meant it. The bulk of the gags are at the expense of the people of Kazakhstan, black people, white people, Jewish people…practically every skin color and ethnicity takes a pounding. If you can’t handle jabs at your culture, or any one else’s culture, then this film isn’t for you (you probably shouldn’t own a TV, a radio, or even go outdoors if you’re really that terribly sheltered from political incorrectness). The jokes are in poor taste and that’s just what makes them so damn funny.
Borat’s road trip includes his attempts to learn American humor, have a dialogue with feminist groups, learn to drive, purchase a car, sing the national anthem at a rodeo and unknowingly join in a gay pride parade. My hat goes off to Sacha Baron Cohen for delivering lines with such ferocious hilarity that you miss several in a row simply by laughing so hard. He pulls off the character magnificently and you’d almost swear on a stack of bibles that he hails from Kazakhstan.
I suppose this film isn’t for everyone. The racially sensitive will likely have to be carried away on a stretcher from multiple heart attacks, while PC crybabies will be tempted to picket local theaters. Also, if for any reason you object to seeing a 500lbs bare naked man running around a hotel room, then you might want to rethink viewing this film. But for everyone else who actually has a sense of humor when it comes to politcally incorrect gags, this movie couldn’t be any funnier. I rarely give comedies an A, but “Borat” accomplishes everything expected of it and then some. Funniest movie of the year.
Beetlejuice
This happens to be the very first Tim Burton film I ever saw. Yep, even before Batman. This film as well as its subsequent animated series hold a great deal of nostalgic value to me and it was one of the earliest instances I ever recall thinking “Wow, being dead would be awesome!”
Adam (Alec Baldwin) and Barbara (Geena Davis) are a young, happily married couple living in a spooky house out in a small town. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Then they die. When they return home (at first unaware that they’re dead) they discover quite a bit of time has passed since their deaths, and a new family of weirdos have moved into their home. Lydia (Winona Ryder) is a teenage goth who wants little to do with her step mother Delia’s (Catherine O’Hara) nutty artistic redesigns or her father Charles’ (Jeffrey Jones) scheme to turn their small town into the next big real estate boom. Lydia soon meets Adam and Barbara, whom only she is capable of seeing, and the pair of ghosts want her family *out*. Well, seemingly there to help them in their endeavor is the professional “bio-exorcist”, Betelgeuse…otherwise known as “Beetlejuice” (Michael Keaton). All they have to do is say his time three times and he’ll use his paranormal powers to evict Lydia’s family from the home (as violently as possible). Adam and Barbara’s caseworker from the Neitherworld recommends they steer clear of Beetlejuice, as he is not to be trusted.
Tim Burton has a way of making the grotesque and the macabre look like as much fun as possible. Movies like Beetlejuice, the Nightmare Before Christmas and the Corpse Bride are proof of that. The Neitherworld is packed with corpses; people who have been severed in two, had their heads shrunken by voodoo priests, choked on chicken bones or died in grisley car wrecks. All these mutilated dead people are brought to life with a visual style that treads that thin boundary between “gruesome horror movie” and “humorous cartoon”. Sometimes, you don’t know whether to laugh or wince.
The act of dying is treated in the most mundane, ordinary way as possible. The dead are given a manual, a caseworker and can even spend a great deal of time in a limbo that just happens to look extremely like the waiting room at a doctor’s office. These “rules” and “procedures” seem so well thought-out and logical that one would almost expect death to happen this way. The guidelines presented in the film which rationalize the strangeness of hauntings are some of the most fun, particularly the explanation as to why the dead can’t leave the homes they haunt (otherwise they become food for hungry Sandworms).
The title villain, whom you love to hate, is characterized hilariously by Michael Keaton. He brings this manic, cartoon character-like quality to Beetlejuice, yet at the same time, a very violent and angry side as well. Everything is a big joke to him, whether it’s playing charades with Lydia or trying to kill her parents by turning into a giant monstrous snake. He’s a great villain because he doesn’t really have any alterior motives or secret agendas…he just likes messing with people.
The stop motion special effects for creatures like the Sandworms look like they jumped straight out of the Nightmare Before Christmas, which is a definite compliment. The rest of the bizarre monsters from the Nietherworld are realized through elaborate costumes: some humorous and some just plain scary.
Beetlejuice is a very fun horror comedy, which aside from a few naughty moments, is perfect for most of the family, especially if one of your kids likes scary things.
Grade: B
Leprechaun 2
Can you believe they’ve actually made six of these things? Now, I’m not normally one to condemn a bad horror movie. I *love* bad horror movies. But the Leprechaun franchise is just…SO bad, even I can’t defend it. I will admit, it is a guilty pleasure from time to time. I like Warwick Davis as the Leprechaun, it’s just everything else I can’t stand. However, of the 6 (so far) Leprechaun films, the second one is probably my “favorite”, and by that I mean it’s the one I hate the least.
A Leprechaun is only allowed to take a mortal wife on its thousandth birthday. A thousand years ago, the Leprechaun was thwarted from taking a lass by her father and vowed to take her fairest ancestor on his next thousandth birthday. Well, fast-forward to the present: it’s St. Patrick’s Day and the Leprechaun has is heart set on a wedding. He comes to take his bride, but in the process, accidentally leaves behind one of his precious gold coins in the possession of her boyfriend. Before he can enjoy his wedding night, the Leprechaun must first retrieve his missing coin. However, all the boyfriend wants is his girl back. Lots of limericks and Irish jigs follow.
I’ll give the Leprechaun franchise credit for one thing: it has zero continuity. Every Leprechaun film stars a different Leprechaun which just so happens to look, act and talk exactly like the previous one. It keeps the franchise kind of “refreshing” in a way, as the writers don’t have to worry about bringing the Leprechaun back to life at the beginning of each film or play by any of the established rules. You’d think that kind of creative freedom would lead to some interesting films, but no, it really doesn’t. Future installmanets will feature the Leprechaun killing teenagers in space or slaughtering black people in “tha hood” (he does this twice).
Anyhow, there’s plenty of Irish-themed kills in this picture, such as a man having a pot of gold materialize in his belly, a guy being duped into making out with the blades of a lawnmower or a security guard getting run over by a go-cart. Actually, now that I think about it, most of these kills weren’t very Irish-themed at all. The gore is surprisingly tame, considering the violence of the kills, with the camera often panning away from the money shot and only allowing brief glimpses at the aftermath. A bit disappointing.
The story is pretty stupid, with the plot rotating between the Leprechaun trying to get his gold back and trying to rape his bride-to-be. Yet, it’s far more tolerable than Leprechaun in Space. Warwick Davis delivers his usual fun performance as the Leprechaun and that’s really this franchise’s one saving grace. But even then, his antics can get annoying pretty quick.
Leprechaun 2 gets an F+. The “+” is present only because it’s my “favorite” of the series.
Grade: F+