Raise your hand if you’ve seen Night of the Creeps. Now, I can’t actually see you, but I’m going to assume that the majority of the people reading this have never heard of Night of the Creeps, much less seen it. But for the record, Slither is basically a remake of that movie. And you know something? It does my heart good to see Hollywood remaking a movie that actually NEEDS it. Sorry, Tom Atkins.
Slither’s premise can be summed up in a single sentence: “Alien slugs invade a small mid-western town and start infesting the inhabitants and turning them into zombies.” Sure, there’s some other stuff, like the hive-mind of the alien slugs falling in love with some school teacher, that dreamy Captain Mal-guy from Serenity playing the male lead, and a chick birthing all the baby slugs by being crammed full of raw meat until she inflates like a blimp. But I said “in a single sentence”.
Slither is, unashamedly, a horror-comedy. And that’s what makes this movie so much fun. Unlike Night of the Creeps, which actually thought it was a serious, good movie, Slither is fully aware that it is ridiculous and just has tons of fun with the premise. They even include a clip of the Troma classic, The Toxic Avenger, on a TV screen as if to remind the audience not to take anything too seriously.
Now, it should go without saying, but this is a dark comedy. A VERY dark comedy. It has a lot of fun with violence and gore of the most offensive variety, so I suppose the overly-sensitive or weak-stomached individuals out there should avoid this movie on that merit alone. But this movie is targeting horror fans, so it knows what audience to play towards.
And the gore in this movie is outrageous. There’s the previously mentioned chick who gets crammed with so much raw meat she inflates to the size of an ice cream truck, an amorphous blob forged from human corpses, a gigantic squid-like monstrosity lurking in the forest, slugs in the mouth, slugs in the bath tub, slugs in eight year-old girls, and pretty much anywhere you can think of.
This isn’t a revolutionary horror movie, and it isn’t the most memorable one, either. Hell, I wouldn’t even recommend buying the DVD. However, it’s still a lot of fun, and with teeny-bopper garbage like Stay Alive being the only other options in the theaters at the moment, I’d recommend this to any horror fan in a heart-beat.
So on “The Relative Grading Scale of Remakes of Tom Atkins-Movies”, a BAD movie would rank as “The Fog”, but this was a pretty GOOD movie, so it ranks as an…um…”Night of the Creeps”? Man, I should’ve chosen a scale with more options.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
The previous film, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, was in many ways the quintessential pirate-movie; working in all the clichés and expectations of a pirate-theme but wrapping them around an engaging plot with magnificent actors, inspired directing, near-flawless special effects and Johnny Depp. Well, expect more of the same with this installment. Dead Man’s Chest takes all the pirate elements and clichés left out of the last film, breathes new life into them and turns them into movie-gold. Who would’ve thought the lead singer of the Monkees could be so badass?
As the story goes, William and Elizabeth Turner are set to be executed for helping Cap’n Jack Sparrow escape the hangman’s noose at the end of the last film. The head of the East India Trading Company offers William a deal: their lives if he can bring back Cap’n Jack’s compass. At the same time, Cap’n Jack is visited by the spirit of Boot-strap Bill Turner (William Turner’s pirate daddy). It would seem that Jack sold his soul to Davy Jones in exchange for 13 years of being Captain of the Black Pearl. Well, time’s up and Davy Jones wants to collect. To ensure he receives him, Jones unleashes the terrible Kraken to hunt Sparrow to the ends of the Earth. Well, the only way out of that mess is to find the key to a chest. Then they gotta find the chest-itself. THEN they gotta use whatever’s in the chest to take down Davy Jones. The cast members gradually reunite along the way and we’re treated to another pirate epic.
So that’s the basic premise in a nutshell, yes. But you get all that AND cannibals, voodoo witches, sword fights-galore, barnacle-encrusted freaks and even a cameo from one of the Street Sharks, desperate for work. This film is totally Jawsome.
While all the elements serve to carry the story quite well, what really keeps the audience engaged is the cast of characters and their interactions with one-another. Needless to say, there’s the ever charismatic Cap’n Jack Sparrow stealing the show at every turn with his bizarre sense of humor, but there’s more than just Johnny Depp to keep you entertained. Two of the enemy pirates from the first movie are back and hook-up with the Black Pearl’s crew (you’ll know em when you see em) and they deliver a great number of comedic bits. The entire cast seems to hate each other one minute and love each other the next, depending on the circumstances.
The whole movie has a sense of humor to it which balances out some of the frightening and grotesque elements, much like in the last movie. The Flying Dutchman’s demonic crew are quite startling, as are scenes of prisoners rotting alive or having their eyeballs plucked out by ravenous crows. The movie can be extremely dark and violent, perhaps too much so for young children. Yet, as I type this, I remember all the kids in the theater with me cheering in joy through-out the whole film; laughing at all of Jack Sparrow’s antics. So perhaps I don’t give kids enough credit when it comes to gore and monsters.
The special effects are magnificent. Davy Jones looks like Cthulhu in a pirate outfit and you totally buy it. The Kraken is a sight to behold, as it rips barges to pieces and plucks sailors by its tentacles and drops them into its gaping maw. The Kraken suffers from the only instances of sketchy special effects (with a few blatant blue-screen moments), but it’s really only a minor complaint at the most.
This movie just has so much working in its favor I find it hard to select any problems. I suppose my only disappointment was the lack of resolution to the plot; as this movie is the “Empire Strikes Back” installment of the trilogy in more ways than just sequence. I won’t give anything away, but the ending will leave you feeling a bit empty. Anxious for the next movie, yes, but slightly unsatisfied as the plot remains unresolved.
Over all, the Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is just as energetic, clever and entertaining as the original, but now with 100% more blowfish-people. It’s definitely a fitting sequel; this franchise is going to be the most incredible pirate epic of all-time.
Grade: B+
Just Friends: Review
More Than Just Friends
Just Friends came out in December of 2005 and just barely flew under the radar. It is quite a shame, considering that this movie, more than any other, demonstrates the talent that Ryan Reynolds has at doing what he does best: being a complete jerk. Reynolds has always done his best when in the role of a smug, cocky, and crassly witty anti-hero and this time is no different.
Chris Brander (Reynolds) was the fattest kid in high school whose best friend just so happened to be the hottest girl in school, Jamie Palamino (Amy Smart). When word gets out that he is in love with Jamie and wishes to be “something more,” he is immediately told by Jamie that he is “like a brother” to her and is instantly crushed and publically humiliated. Ten years go by and Chris is a changed man: he’s athletic, wealthy, confident, a womanizer, and popular with the stars of music and showbiz. Due to a twist of fate, he finds himself back in his hometown and facing Jamie once again.
As the title implies, Just Friends is a unique comedy that tackles a situation that most men have been through: the 2-Ladder theory. The idea is that women have a tendency to put men on one of two inescapable relationship ladders: the friend ladder and the “something more” ladder. Or, as Chris calls it, “the Friend Zone.” As the fat Chris Brander, Ryan Reynolds shows us his acting versatility as he is able to convincingly don the role of the lovable fat kid who is smitten with his best friend but cannot muster the courage to adequately tell her how he feels. His weight problem and awkward social surroundings don’t make matters easier, either. He is immediately a character you identify with, not because he is a full-blown geek but because he is a person of good intentions whose inner self is not fairly represented on the outside. Of course, as the grown-up Chris Brander, Ryan Reynolds takes on his very typical role of the smug jerk who you either love or hate. Unlike his other movies, this one is rated PG-13 and so Reynolds is forced to tone down the crassness and pursue other means of humorous expression.
This is where the movie truly gains and keeps momentum: the chemistry that the characters of the film have with one another is the only real “romance” in this so-called “romantic comedy.” Chris and his brother Mike (Chris Marquette) fight constantly but retain the mutal respect that you would expect between siblings: you are honestly convinced that they are brothers in real life, and the majority of the film’s funniest moments come from their interaction. Naturally, the movie would not be complete without the love-interest, Jamie (Amy Smart). Jamie is convingly attractive as the girl-next-door and has the charm and looks to be believable to the audience: her relationship with Chris is likewise just as convincing.
The movie only slows down when it sacrifices plausibility for the sake of a happy ending. Chris is a jerk to Jamie initially, thinking that by playing the upper-hand that she would be swept off her feet. Instead, she’s disgusted by Chris’ actions and is immediately turned off… yet continues to agree to see him. The new guy, Dusty (Chris Klein) shows up just in time to be a convincing foil to Chris and there’s no reason not to think that Jamie would really like him… until you find out that he’s even more of a jerk than Chris is. Though the movie is a comedy and not a statement of how to handle being in “the Friend Zone,” you can’t help but be annoyed at times when the plot strays away from the expected in favor of a fairy tale resolution.
Acting: A
Effects and Entertainment: B+
Storyline: B
Recommendability: B+
Waiting: Review
What Are We Waiting For?
Do you trust your waiters at your local restaurant? Sometime in high school, we are enlightened by the revelation that your food may not be safe to eat. Maybe it’s because you pissed off the waiter or because the chef just doesn’t like you. In any case, I don’t think that has stopped anyone from eating at a restaurant or made anyone think twice about the special ingredients in your chicken parmesan. Perhaps it’s because we don’t think that these sickening stories could ever happen to us. And that’s probably the sick reason why anyone would want to see a movie such as Waiting…
Unfortunately, if you are looking for the visual sight gags that you would expect in a gross-out comedy set in a restaurant, you’re probably going to be disappointed. Waiting… promotes itself as a comedy but is obviously not on the same page as recent hits such as Wedding Crashers and Dodgeball. The opening is a fair indicator that there is something else to this movie: the credits are written in the same font as the sitcom “Friends” and occur as we see a bunch of high school and college kids attending a local party at some guy’s house. So it’s an independent movie through and through: but is it funny?
The dialogue is delivered in the same edgy and cocky tone that you would expect from Ryan Reynolds, who basically plays himself in every movie. Luckily, we don’t have to listen to him the whole time. You have the cussing, anger-management-needing Naomi (Alanna Ubach), the Oreo busboys Nick (Andy Milonakis) and T-Dog (Max Kasch), the semi-slut Serena (Anna Faris), and the crude, perverted chef Raddimus (Luis Guzman). That doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re flat out hilarious. If anything, you will fall in love with their character interactions more than any of the laughs that they try to get out.
Then there’s Dean (Justin Long), the typical indie-movie protagonist who starts the day by finding out that his classmate is a big shot while he’s just a lowly waiter at Shenanigan’s. The day (and movie) then turns into a journey of self discovery as he decides what to do with his future. Yawn.
There are laughs that involve the intentional viewing of testicles and Ryan Reynolds’ fixation with high school girls, but for the most part don’t expect to be wetting yourself from laughing so hard. Waiting… is an exploration of character interations in a boring and stressful, atypical restaurant environment and not the over-the-top comedy that you may expect it to be.
Grade: C+
Return of the Living Dead: Review
“Doooo ya wanna paaaarty!? IT’S PARTY-TIME!”
Yes, yes I do. There are some zombie movies which are “essential viewing” for any fan of the genre. Romero’s Dead Trilogy, The Beyond, Creepshow, Dead/Alive, and you guessed it, the original Return of the Living Dead.
This movie is both a brilliant parody of the zombie genre and a genuine, heart-pounding installment at the same time. The movie is chalk-full of some of the funniest, sharpest dark comedy you’ll ever see, but never let’s itself get TOO absurd. Likewise, it’s chalk-full of some of the most memorable, gruesome and standard-setting scenes in any zombie film, but never takes itself TOO seriously. It hits that balance dead-on and never loses its footing even once.
And when I said standard-setting, I meant it. This is the movie that began the whole “Braaaaaiiiiiinsss”-thing you’ll see in pretty much any zombie-parody and is a recognizable trademark of the genre, even if it is on the silly-side. But the movie even provides an explanation as to why zombies are obsessed with eating human brains in one of the film’s darker moments.
So what’s the plot? Not much. Missing canisters of 245 Trioxcide wind-up in the basement of a medical supply warehouse for a few decades. What the employees of the warehouse don’t know is that inside those canisters are the preserved bodies of zombies rounded-up by the Government back in the 60’s. Well, you can guess what happens next. Some moron accidentally bursts open one of the cans and a zombie escapes (the classic Tarman, the mascot of the franchise, makes his debut!). The gas from the canisters causes all the corpses in a nearby cemetery to rise from their graves and the cast of teenagers suddenly find themselves on the menu.
As mentioned before, the Tarman is not only one of the most memorable parts of the movie, but one of the finest examples of zombie design you’ll ever come across. This movie also pioneered the idea of “running zombies”, decades before the Dawn of the Dead remake came under severe criticism for it. And whether you like the concept of running zombies or not, you can’t help but enjoy the sequences featuring them.
There aren’t too many dark comedy zombie movies out there that manage to find the perfect balance that Return of the Living Dead does (Shaun of the Dead coming closest in recent memory). The story, characters, effects and music will keep you locked in your seat all the way until the hilarious-yet-depressing ending.
This movie earns itself an A. It’s not “the Perfect Zombie Movie”, but it comes mighty close.
Grade: A