“Long live the new flesh!” There’s something about David Cronenberg movies that just make you feel…icky. And it’s not just the gratuitous gore, either. Cronenberg knows how to saturate a film with filth and grime. He even goes so far as to add the most revolting sound effects to the most mundane of things. When people kiss they make these awful slurping noises that thoroughly suck all the romance out of the romance. And that’s one of the things I love most about Cronenberg films. He makes me feel like I need a shower afterwards.
Max Renn (James Woods), a sleazy president of a controversial cable network, is constantly looking for new programs with which to raise the bar for sex and violence on television. While using a pirate satellite dish, Max comes across a show called “Videodrome” consisting of no plot other than human beings being brutally tortured. Max becomes obsessed with the show and is determined to track it to its source. However, the more he watches Videodrome the more his reality begins to unravel. Soon, his life becomes a mess of hallucinations which gradually chip away at his sanity.
One of Cronenberg’s more psychedelic offerings (though not as incoherent as “Naked Lunch”), Videodrome is a commentary on the American appetite for pain and misery. We’re constantly wanting more violence, more sex, more gore, more everything. Every time we cross one line, engage in one taboo, we immediately begin searching for the next one. Videodrome is a frightening look at where that mentality will eventually lead us. Videodrome, made in 1983, is a startling prediction of the reality television craze that’s still sweeping the country. People watch shows like Survivor, Cops or American Idol to see people get hurt, publicly humiliated or put through great hardships for our viewing pleasure. The Videodrome television show within the movie is a glimpse at what that mentality will eventually boil down to some day: watching human beings tortured and murdered for entertainment.
But there’s even more to it than just that. Videodrome also focuses on the desensitizing effects of television violence. The more television we watch the more we lose touch with reality, and gradually television becomes our reality.
James Woods delivers a stellar performance as the lead character, and when combined with the bizarre special effects and camera work, the audience really starts to feel like its going crazy, too. There is lots of gruesome imagery in the movie which go beyond torture and rape and into the surreal. James Woods is transformed into a “human VCR” or sorts, with the brain-washing effects of the mass media inserted into him like a video cassette. And he likes it. And honestly, I’d like it, too. Half the movies I review for this website are horror-related. I can’t get enough pain and violence.
On a personal note, the movie is very nostalgic for me as it features Beta cassettes consistently throughout the film. My family wouldn’t let Beta go, even after it became obsolete, and we used it regularly through 1998 (renting VHS tapes and copying them onto Beta cassettes).
Videodrome is a surreal mind-bending masterpiece, packed to the brim with social commentary and frighteningly accurate predictions of the future, which happens to be our present. It gets no less than an A, maybe even an A+. A damn good movie.
Grade: A
Black Christmas
When most people think of “the first slasher film”, typically they’ll think of John Carpenter’s Halloween. And yes, it’s true, Halloween is what really kicked the sub-genre off and got it recognized by mainstream movie-goers. However, 4 years before Halloween, there was this little gem starring Margot Kidder (the Amityville Horror) and John Saxon (a Nightmare on Elm Street). Because Black Christmas predates the slasher genre it really has more in common with suspense-thrillers like Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho and has an overall higher quality to it than slasher flicks like Slumber Party Massacre and Sleepaway Camp.
The night before Christmas Eve, a strange heavy-breathing lunatic shrouded in darkness sneaks into a local sorority house and begins leaving insane, lewd phone-calls consisting of himself screaming and ranting in numerous voices. On Christmas Eve, members of the sorority (including Margot Kidder) start disappearing. They try to get help from the police and the Lieutenant (John Saxon) puts a tap on their phone. The phone calls keep coming and the sorority sisters keep disappearing until eventually only one is left all alone in the house.
Directed by Bob Clark (who, ironically, also directed A Christmas Story), Black Christmas sets a very eerie tone right from the beginning. You never get a good look at the killer through-out the film. All scenes involving him either have him shrouded in darkness or are seen from his point of view. The POV sequences are especially unnerving, as you watch him scream and rant and tear up an attic or rock a dead girl in a rocking chair back and forth like a baby. It’s very dark and very creepy. The bits with him shrouded in the shadows are also remarkably well-done. Virtually the only part of the killer’s body you ever see clearly is a single eyeball, peering through cracks in doors and what-not.
There are a number of plotlines going on at once, such as the family of one of the victims trying to locate their daughter or a search party finding the remains of one of the madman’s earlier kills out in the woods. The only time the movie ever slows down is for the purpose of building tension; it’s never “boring”. The gore in the film isn’t very intense, usually with the more brutal deaths occurring just off screen, allowing your imagination to fill in the gaps. It’s an old fashioned way of delivering a scare but I find it just as effective, if not more-so, than buckets of gratuitous gore.
I’d honestly have to say this movie is just as good as Halloween, almost better. It’s a real shame Black Christmas never caught on with the mainstream and when most people think of a “Christmas-time horror movie” all they can come up with is Silent Night, Deadly Night. This is a very well-made, if often overlooked horror film, perfect for the holiday season.
Grade: A-
Lucky Number Slevin
A Co-Op Critics Review!
Player 1: One Pumped Ninja
Paul McGuigan’s Lucky Number Slevin flew under the radar. It’s quite a shame considering that it is a well masterminded film on all levels with a “smart” script and an all-star cast that doesn’t let their stardom overshadow their characters. It also lets Josh Harnett redeem himself for making that atrocious Pearl Harbor movie (Star Wars: Episode 1941) and allows Bruce Willis to showcase his badassitude in a relatively non-speaking role.
Mr. Goodcat (Bruce Willis) has been flown in by two warring mob bosses (Morgan Freeman and Ben Kingsley) to kill off the man responsible for some of their problems, a man by the name of Nick (Sam Jaeger). Poor Slevin Kelevra (Josh Harnett) just so happens to be in New York loafing in Nick’s flat when Freeman’s henchmen bust in on him post-shower… and so the mistaken identities start to unwind the hijinks to follow. Or are they truly mistaken identities?
The script by Jason Smilovic is very fast paced. Not “fast and stupidly Shakesperean like Gilmore Girls”, but fast in the same vein as the snappy dialogue of a noir or pulp-fiction gangster movie. The characters come with built-in, fast paced repartés and are incapable of freaking out. They’re cookie-cutter cool. It’s supposed to be a script worthy of old gangster movie status but you wouldn’t really know it considering that the environment is modern New York through and through. It doesn’t get tired but it does get annoying at times when you have time to stop and think about how unrealistic it is for people to snap back at mob bosses without fear of getting their junk messed up (though this is also explained away, which sorta makes things peachy).
Visually, the film employs tight angles and limits your field of vision to environments that allow enough space for two characters to converse. It’s incredibly claustrophobic at times, which was a smart move on the director’s part to increase the tension that you probably would not get with an open-air environment. The movie sometimes shifts to flashbacks from the 70’s and is to be commended in creating a believable 70’s atmosphere (especially 70’s Bruce Willis… that was great). The intro credits are also done to fancy visuals of rotating, handwritten numbers on looseleaf paper. This sets the mood that it’s going to be one of THOSE movies. Those smart movies that are pretty good but no one is going to go see.
And the film is quite smart from beginning to end. Yes, there is a twist. Will you see it coming? At some point you will, seeing as how the cast list is too small to allow for any other possibility. But with its smart plot, good choice of actors, and adequate action, Lucky Number Slevin is a safe bet even for the most cautious of move-goers. Well, except for the scenes with Lucy Liu. I can’t stand her or her “sex on the first date” character.
Acting: A
Aesthetics & Entertainment: A-
Storyline: A-
Overall Recommendability: A-
Player 2: DrSpengler
If you walk into Lucky Number Slevin expecting the things the trailers and commercials promised you, then I’m sorry. This movie was advertised incompetently as an explosion-a-minute action-fest with lots of zany humor to fill in the gaps where stuff isn’t blowing up. Lucky Number Slevin is not that at all.
Actually, it has some story and depth and lots of clever dialogue. Imagine that?
So Slevin is a guy who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. While visiting a friend’s house (while the friend was strangely absent), Slevin gets violently kidnapped and carried off to the office building/fortress of underground mob boss…the Boss (Morgan Freeman). Mistaken for his pal, Nick, and with no way to prove his identity, Slevin is charged with paying-off a considerably large gambling debt. The Boss offers him a way to solve the problem; kill the son of his arch-rival, the mob boss called the Rabbi. Slevin reluctantly accepts, and minutes after returning “home”, is kidnapped by the Rabbi and told to pay another absurdly large gambling debt. So Slevin, a seemingly normal guy, has a lot of work to do and only 3 days to do it.
Lucky Number Slevin is very reminiscent of the “old timey” way of making suspense-thrillers. Instead of devoting all the time towards explosions, car chases, gunfights and brawls, it devotes the vast majority of the film toward character development and treats us to a LOT of witty, clever dialogue. If you’re expecting Mission Impossible or The Italian Job then I recommend you look elsewhere.
However, if you’re in the mood for an old fashioned suspense film that feels like something Hitchcock would deliver, with lovable characters and some superb acting; then by all means, please go see this movie. Slevin-himself steals the show, as any title character should, by being immensely fun to watch and listen to. Slevin has a psychological disorder which prevents him from getting mad or losing his temper over *anything*. So no matter how hopelessly the trouble piles up on him, or how painfully he’s treated, he always bounces back with some fantastic dialogue which will keep the audience laughing.
The ending is a twist you may not see coming; drawing together all the numerous clues dropped blatantly and subtly through-out the film. No part of the movie is pointless or filler and everything serves a purpose.
So on “The Relative Grading Scale of Embarrassing Bruce Willis Moments”, a BAD movie would rank as a “Bruno the Kid”, but this was a GOOD movie, so it should rank as a “Hudson Hawk” (though don’t let that fool you into thinking Slevin is of the same quality).
Lucky Number Slevin is living proof that amidst the myriad remakes and uninspired adaptations that Hollywood pukes out on a weekly basis, they still have the capability of supplying the audience with an original, old fashioned, intelligent suspense movie.
The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
A Co-Op Critics Review!
Player 1: One Pumped Ninja
I don’t know whether to classify this as a horror movie or a comedy.
Saying that the movie is just hilarious would be indicative of my insensitivity or desensitization towards depictions of gore, rape, and outright violent acts. That is not the case here. True, I did laugh a lot, but most of it is directed at rather awkward moments that could have been refined into more plausible situatins or at character developments that are too prototypical.
The movie, as you may expect, follows in the same vein as The Devil’s Rejects and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Due to nuclear testing in the American west prior to the Cold War, an entire mining community has been mutated into horrific cannibals. The Carter family, on their way to San Diego, gets some horrible advice from a gas station attendant and soon find themselves in the middle of cannibal territory. Of course, they don’t know this until family members start dying.
There is a decent amount of political edginess that shapes the overall feel of the movie. There is, of course, the anti-nuclear message that shows you what sorts of wonderful, killer freaks you can get if you test nukes on families. Then there’s two still shots of the American flag, one on the family vehicle and one in the room of one of the cannibals. There’s Doug (Aaron Stanford), the weenie liberal who ends up becoming a shotgun-toting badass by the time the movie is over and then there’s Ruby (Laura Ortiz), the nice, pretty freak girl who apparently doesn’t have a taste for human blood. I don’t think there’s a moral to the story, but there’s obviously a lot of recurring themes that suggest that nukes are bad, guns are pretty sweet, and not all mutants want to eat you. Oh, and America rocks.
So where’s the funny? For a movie that is excellently filmed and has a great cast, you would think that they could have made sure not to overlook the predictable. But that’s exactly what happens… a lot. People wander off on their own, throw down their guns instead of finishing off the bad guy, split up, and scream at each other while trying to calm down. Then there’s just some painfully awkward scenes, such as when one freak strokes Brenda’s (Emilie de Ravin) cheek while laughing like Butt-Head and his pal bites the head off a parakeet. Yeah, really screwed up isn’t it? Of course, rape isn’t funny and neither is the idea of cannibals eating your baby. But what IS funny is your friendly German Shepherd going out on its own and savagely devouring the cannibals, even being so nice as to bring back and arm and a walkie talkie for you. And let’s not forget the liberal, Doug, who turns into an action hero by the time the movie is over. He gets kicked about fifty times, is slapped in the face with a chain of bullets, gets parts of him cut off, has a loved one’s head blown off, and can’t get his Razor phone to work. Yeah, I’d be an action hero too.
The ending seems to dilute the once nuclear family into a smaller, tighter knit unit bound by the need to survive and the presence of the badass Doug and their awesome dog, Beast. It’s a feel good horror movie if you can tolerate the gruesome depravity for the whole time. You won’t learn anything from it and you’ll probably be disgusted, but at least you’ll wet yourself the next time you decide to take a road trip through the desert.
Grade: B+
Player 2: DrSpengler
I find this movie to be very difficult to rate accurately. Not because it was a mixed bag, it was quite good on the whole. No, I’m just feeling very confused right now, that’s all.
You see, this movie is a remake of the original film by Wes Craven made way back in the late 70’s. But this film isn’t just a remake, oh no. As a matter of fact, it’s virtually an EXACT DUPLICATE of the original film (save for the inclusion of iPods and bottled water)! It’s as if someone took the script to the original film and just reworked a little of the dialogue. And I do mean “a little”, as even most of the dialogue from the original version remains intact. The plot, the pacing, the characters, their appearances…practically NOTHING about the script has changed.
But for those not acquainted with the original, here’s the run-down: a vacationing family are lead astray into the blistering desert by a creepy gas station attendant. Once their car breaks-down, however, they find themselves the prey of psychotic hillbillies what dwell in yonder cliffs. One-by-one they are gradually thinned-out and eaten until finally the remaining family members snap and begin using the brutal tactics of the hillbillies against them.
The only initially noticeable change of plot to the original is that Jupiter’s clan of misfits are now a horde of radioactive mutants instead of just being ugly. I’ll admit, the change adds an extra zing to the movie and does make the hillbillies a good measure creepier.
Other than that, an extended hunt for the baby and a wretchedly misplaced “Hollywood-Ending”, this movie has absolutely nothing to offer that the original did not. Think of it in relation to the Vince Vaughn remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. Granted, this remake manages to deviate from the original a bit more than that debacle, but only by a fraction.
“But Doxtuh Spengwuh, I havun’t seen da owiginaw”, you say? Well, then I whole-heartedly recommend you see this movie. The original Hills Have Eyes was a brutal, dirty, uncomfortably disturbing horror movie, and so is this remake. However, this remake throws some more gore and a collection of mutant freaks into the mix just to ensure nobody can possibly get bored.
Now, you see why I feel so confused? This movie is painfully uncreative and remarkably unnecessary. But it’s still a GOOD movie. But the only reason it’s good is because the ORIGINAL was good! And this movie is exactly like the original!! GAH!!
All I can really suggest is that, if you’ve seen the original then don’t bother with this remake. You’ll just be paying $9 bucks to see the exact same movie over again. Now, if you have NOT seen the original, then I highly recommend you give this movie a shot. However, if you feel like staying home this weekend, but still want to see the movie, then just rent the original because it’s completely identical.
Now, “On the Relative Grading Scale of The Hills Have Eyes”, a good movie would be “The Hills Have Eyes”, but since this movie was exactly the same as the original, it ranks as a “The Hills Have Eyes”. And that’s the most appropriate grade I could give it.
Poseidon (2006)
Before I get into the details of this highly-advertised remake, let us first inspect what made the original Poseidon Adventure such a popular, fondly remembered film. Firstly, “for its time” it employed some very clever set-designs. All the sets were constructed normally and then flipped upside down to simulate the idea of an over-turned boat more believably. Then, there was the cast of *good* actors assembled for the flick; Gene Hackman, Roddy McDowell, Red Buttons and, of course, The Borgnine.
So does this multi-million dollar action adventure special effects thrill ride remake capture the entertainment value of the original?
Um…not quite.
In case you couldn’t figure it out from the trailer, a luxury cruise ship called “Poseidon” gets overturned by a massive wave. The ship is upside down, sinking fast, and a small group of passengers have to race against time to get out of the ship before it sinks completely.
That’s it. That’s the whole plot. To be fair, the original didn’t employ much more depth, but basically everything you need to know about the movie you got from the first 30 seconds of the TV commercial with the mute-button on.
What made the original such a fun flick was that it was very original and very clever “For its time”. This remake is nothing impressive, these days. The effects lack the nostalgic-factor of the original and, especially with it being a remake, the whole thing seems very predictable and boring.
Poseidon also lacks the fun, talented cast that made the water-thin plot of the original so dynamic. Even all-stars like Kurt Russell and Richard Dreyfuss feel painfully hackneyed due to, well, painfully hackneyed character’s that never seemed to make it past the template-stage.
It also deserves kudos for getting that irritating hair-bag from the Black Eyed Peas to sing a song ten-times more annoying than “There has to be a Morning After”. It’s like they took the worst part of the original and turned the dial up.
Poseidon can be chalked-up as yet another unnecessary remake derived from Hollywood’s current lack of imagination and talent. You’re better off just ignoring it or renting the original.
I give it a D+. Needs more Borgnine.