“Long live the new flesh!” There’s something about David Cronenberg movies that just make you feel…icky. And it’s not just the gratuitous gore, either. Cronenberg knows how to saturate a film with filth and grime. He even goes so far as to add the most revolting sound effects to the most mundane of things. When people kiss they make these awful slurping noises that thoroughly suck all the romance out of the romance. And that’s one of the things I love most about Cronenberg films. He makes me feel like I need a shower afterwards.
Max Renn (James Woods), a sleazy president of a controversial cable network, is constantly looking for new programs with which to raise the bar for sex and violence on television. While using a pirate satellite dish, Max comes across a show called “Videodrome” consisting of no plot other than human beings being brutally tortured. Max becomes obsessed with the show and is determined to track it to its source. However, the more he watches Videodrome the more his reality begins to unravel. Soon, his life becomes a mess of hallucinations which gradually chip away at his sanity.
One of Cronenberg’s more psychedelic offerings (though not as incoherent as “Naked Lunch”), Videodrome is a commentary on the American appetite for pain and misery. We’re constantly wanting more violence, more sex, more gore, more everything. Every time we cross one line, engage in one taboo, we immediately begin searching for the next one. Videodrome is a frightening look at where that mentality will eventually lead us. Videodrome, made in 1983, is a startling prediction of the reality television craze that’s still sweeping the country. People watch shows like Survivor, Cops or American Idol to see people get hurt, publicly humiliated or put through great hardships for our viewing pleasure. The Videodrome television show within the movie is a glimpse at what that mentality will eventually boil down to some day: watching human beings tortured and murdered for entertainment.
But there’s even more to it than just that. Videodrome also focuses on the desensitizing effects of television violence. The more television we watch the more we lose touch with reality, and gradually television becomes our reality.
James Woods delivers a stellar performance as the lead character, and when combined with the bizarre special effects and camera work, the audience really starts to feel like its going crazy, too. There is lots of gruesome imagery in the movie which go beyond torture and rape and into the surreal. James Woods is transformed into a “human VCR” or sorts, with the brain-washing effects of the mass media inserted into him like a video cassette. And he likes it. And honestly, I’d like it, too. Half the movies I review for this website are horror-related. I can’t get enough pain and violence.
On a personal note, the movie is very nostalgic for me as it features Beta cassettes consistently throughout the film. My family wouldn’t let Beta go, even after it became obsolete, and we used it regularly through 1998 (renting VHS tapes and copying them onto Beta cassettes).
Videodrome is a surreal mind-bending masterpiece, packed to the brim with social commentary and frighteningly accurate predictions of the future, which happens to be our present. It gets no less than an A, maybe even an A+. A damn good movie.
Grade: A
The Exorcist (1973)
Note: This review is based on the 2000 cut of the film more commonly referred to as “The Version You’ve Never Seen Before”.
The Exorcist is a horror film from a time when movie-makers expected a little more patience from their audience. Back then, you had to pay attention through torturous minutes of boring sequences, such as that dreadful concept known as “character development”, with nary an explosion in sight. Yet those willing to subject themselves to an hour’s worth of story progression, plot set-up and tension-building are rewarded with a stellar second half which almost feels like a completely different film.
After an archeological dig out in the Middle East, Father Merrin (Max Von Sydow) discovers the Devil has come to Earth. Back in Washington DC, a young girl named Regan (Linda Blair) is acting rather strangely, spending large amounts of time with her imaginary friend, Captain Howdy, and developing a very volatile temper. Her condition worsens rapidly and soon Regan, claiming to be the embodiment of the Devil, becomes a danger to herself and others. Regan’s Mother turns to Father Karras (Jason Miller), a Catholic priest who has been questioning his own faith, to exorcise her daughter. Father Karras and Father Merrin work together to try and drive the evil force from Regan, but the Devil won’t leave without a fight.
Possibly the one complaint I hear most frequently about this film is “It’s boring”. I suppose it all depends on your attention span, but I’d sooner classify the film as “slow”, and that’s only in regards to the first half. Today’s audience, at least the younger set, have a rough time sitting through movies that don’t have at least one explosion every 10 minutes followed by bullet-time effects and catchy one-liners, so they watch movies like “Exorcist: the Beginning”, instead. The original Exorcist just doesn’t stand a chance with the hordes of Paul Anderson and Uwe Boll-fanatics out there. I will admit, though, that this movie starts off very sluggishly, and when I was a kid, (elementary school) I didn’t make it all the way through the first time I rented the movie (or, that is, the first time my Mom rented it for me). Never-the-less, for those of you without ADD that manage to suffer through the film’s “boring” half, you’re treated to a very intense and frightening look at demonic possession.
Regan’s possession is what people remember best about the film (obviously), and rightfully so, as it is extremely memorable for how sick and disturbing it can be. Seeing a 10 year old girl masturbating with a cross until she’s a bloody mess, telling a priest what his Mother is doing in Hell or spinning her head around in circles and puking up green slime…it’s not the sort of thing you’re soon to forget.
The special effects range from minimalist to “in your face” and they all work perfectly. To achieve the icy breath of Regan’s freezing-cold bedroom, they actually hooked refrigeration units up to the room to lower the temperature. The “spider-walk” scene was done by a gymnast dressed to look like Regan and the way she contorts her body is very unearthly. And, of course, there’s the spinning head and the green puke.
Despite being “boring” by some people’s standards, the Exorcist is a fantastic film with lots of disturbing imagery and a very strong finish. I give it an A. Also, if you’re ever in DC for any reason, I recommend you visit the infamous staircase. It’s just as creepy in real life as it is in the film.
Grade: A
The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
A Co-Op Critics Review!
Player 1: One Pumped Ninja
I don’t know whether to classify this as a horror movie or a comedy.
Saying that the movie is just hilarious would be indicative of my insensitivity or desensitization towards depictions of gore, rape, and outright violent acts. That is not the case here. True, I did laugh a lot, but most of it is directed at rather awkward moments that could have been refined into more plausible situatins or at character developments that are too prototypical.
The movie, as you may expect, follows in the same vein as The Devil’s Rejects and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Due to nuclear testing in the American west prior to the Cold War, an entire mining community has been mutated into horrific cannibals. The Carter family, on their way to San Diego, gets some horrible advice from a gas station attendant and soon find themselves in the middle of cannibal territory. Of course, they don’t know this until family members start dying.
There is a decent amount of political edginess that shapes the overall feel of the movie. There is, of course, the anti-nuclear message that shows you what sorts of wonderful, killer freaks you can get if you test nukes on families. Then there’s two still shots of the American flag, one on the family vehicle and one in the room of one of the cannibals. There’s Doug (Aaron Stanford), the weenie liberal who ends up becoming a shotgun-toting badass by the time the movie is over and then there’s Ruby (Laura Ortiz), the nice, pretty freak girl who apparently doesn’t have a taste for human blood. I don’t think there’s a moral to the story, but there’s obviously a lot of recurring themes that suggest that nukes are bad, guns are pretty sweet, and not all mutants want to eat you. Oh, and America rocks.
So where’s the funny? For a movie that is excellently filmed and has a great cast, you would think that they could have made sure not to overlook the predictable. But that’s exactly what happens… a lot. People wander off on their own, throw down their guns instead of finishing off the bad guy, split up, and scream at each other while trying to calm down. Then there’s just some painfully awkward scenes, such as when one freak strokes Brenda’s (Emilie de Ravin) cheek while laughing like Butt-Head and his pal bites the head off a parakeet. Yeah, really screwed up isn’t it? Of course, rape isn’t funny and neither is the idea of cannibals eating your baby. But what IS funny is your friendly German Shepherd going out on its own and savagely devouring the cannibals, even being so nice as to bring back and arm and a walkie talkie for you. And let’s not forget the liberal, Doug, who turns into an action hero by the time the movie is over. He gets kicked about fifty times, is slapped in the face with a chain of bullets, gets parts of him cut off, has a loved one’s head blown off, and can’t get his Razor phone to work. Yeah, I’d be an action hero too.
The ending seems to dilute the once nuclear family into a smaller, tighter knit unit bound by the need to survive and the presence of the badass Doug and their awesome dog, Beast. It’s a feel good horror movie if you can tolerate the gruesome depravity for the whole time. You won’t learn anything from it and you’ll probably be disgusted, but at least you’ll wet yourself the next time you decide to take a road trip through the desert.
Grade: B+
Player 2: DrSpengler
I find this movie to be very difficult to rate accurately. Not because it was a mixed bag, it was quite good on the whole. No, I’m just feeling very confused right now, that’s all.
You see, this movie is a remake of the original film by Wes Craven made way back in the late 70’s. But this film isn’t just a remake, oh no. As a matter of fact, it’s virtually an EXACT DUPLICATE of the original film (save for the inclusion of iPods and bottled water)! It’s as if someone took the script to the original film and just reworked a little of the dialogue. And I do mean “a little”, as even most of the dialogue from the original version remains intact. The plot, the pacing, the characters, their appearances…practically NOTHING about the script has changed.
But for those not acquainted with the original, here’s the run-down: a vacationing family are lead astray into the blistering desert by a creepy gas station attendant. Once their car breaks-down, however, they find themselves the prey of psychotic hillbillies what dwell in yonder cliffs. One-by-one they are gradually thinned-out and eaten until finally the remaining family members snap and begin using the brutal tactics of the hillbillies against them.
The only initially noticeable change of plot to the original is that Jupiter’s clan of misfits are now a horde of radioactive mutants instead of just being ugly. I’ll admit, the change adds an extra zing to the movie and does make the hillbillies a good measure creepier.
Other than that, an extended hunt for the baby and a wretchedly misplaced “Hollywood-Ending”, this movie has absolutely nothing to offer that the original did not. Think of it in relation to the Vince Vaughn remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. Granted, this remake manages to deviate from the original a bit more than that debacle, but only by a fraction.
“But Doxtuh Spengwuh, I havun’t seen da owiginaw”, you say? Well, then I whole-heartedly recommend you see this movie. The original Hills Have Eyes was a brutal, dirty, uncomfortably disturbing horror movie, and so is this remake. However, this remake throws some more gore and a collection of mutant freaks into the mix just to ensure nobody can possibly get bored.
Now, you see why I feel so confused? This movie is painfully uncreative and remarkably unnecessary. But it’s still a GOOD movie. But the only reason it’s good is because the ORIGINAL was good! And this movie is exactly like the original!! GAH!!
All I can really suggest is that, if you’ve seen the original then don’t bother with this remake. You’ll just be paying $9 bucks to see the exact same movie over again. Now, if you have NOT seen the original, then I highly recommend you give this movie a shot. However, if you feel like staying home this weekend, but still want to see the movie, then just rent the original because it’s completely identical.
Now, “On the Relative Grading Scale of The Hills Have Eyes”, a good movie would be “The Hills Have Eyes”, but since this movie was exactly the same as the original, it ranks as a “The Hills Have Eyes”. And that’s the most appropriate grade I could give it.
Poseidon (2006)
Before I get into the details of this highly-advertised remake, let us first inspect what made the original Poseidon Adventure such a popular, fondly remembered film. Firstly, “for its time” it employed some very clever set-designs. All the sets were constructed normally and then flipped upside down to simulate the idea of an over-turned boat more believably. Then, there was the cast of *good* actors assembled for the flick; Gene Hackman, Roddy McDowell, Red Buttons and, of course, The Borgnine.
So does this multi-million dollar action adventure special effects thrill ride remake capture the entertainment value of the original?
Um…not quite.
In case you couldn’t figure it out from the trailer, a luxury cruise ship called “Poseidon” gets overturned by a massive wave. The ship is upside down, sinking fast, and a small group of passengers have to race against time to get out of the ship before it sinks completely.
That’s it. That’s the whole plot. To be fair, the original didn’t employ much more depth, but basically everything you need to know about the movie you got from the first 30 seconds of the TV commercial with the mute-button on.
What made the original such a fun flick was that it was very original and very clever “For its time”. This remake is nothing impressive, these days. The effects lack the nostalgic-factor of the original and, especially with it being a remake, the whole thing seems very predictable and boring.
Poseidon also lacks the fun, talented cast that made the water-thin plot of the original so dynamic. Even all-stars like Kurt Russell and Richard Dreyfuss feel painfully hackneyed due to, well, painfully hackneyed character’s that never seemed to make it past the template-stage.
It also deserves kudos for getting that irritating hair-bag from the Black Eyed Peas to sing a song ten-times more annoying than “There has to be a Morning After”. It’s like they took the worst part of the original and turned the dial up.
Poseidon can be chalked-up as yet another unnecessary remake derived from Hollywood’s current lack of imagination and talent. You’re better off just ignoring it or renting the original.
I give it a D+. Needs more Borgnine.
United 93
A Co-Op Critics Review!
Player 1: One Pumped Ninja
When trailers for Paul Greengrass’s United 93 were first shown in theaters, people booed and shouted “too soon!” When the movie was finally screened for critics nationwide, the acclaim for the film was incredibly positive. Despite the majority opinion that the movie was not preachy nor editorial, most critics (almost certainly liberal) found the space in prose to sneak in their own little, not-so-subtle commentaries about our current politics. And they blame the Bush administration for negating the meaning of 9/11! You ask any sane American “who would be most likely to boo a movie tribute to 9/11?” and it’s a guarantee that they’re not going to say “a conservative.” Conservatives have been trying to preserve the catalystic day of September 11 since day 1. While it is certainly sickening to mention it constantly and as an excuse for the most tangential of decisions, it is no different than a Christian acting a certain way in memory of some guy who got the crap kicked out of him 2,000 + years ago. As a post 9/11 culture caught in the rat race of the information superhighway, we’ve become overly desensitized to WHY we do things. Why we’re in a war, what passions are behind it, what ideologies are at stake, and why we just can’t “move on” from an event that happened 5 years ago. That’s like trying to “move on” from Pearl Harbor and throwing a fit everytime someone mentions it (though I can understand why no one liked that Michael bay film from years ago). It’s incredibly indicative of the current American mindset and our quickness to revert to a mode of comfortability and detachment.
United 93 is a wake-up call to all that.
The movie is a masterpiece of editing, a rationally made movie employing the use of fly-on-the-wall points of view, jerky camera movement, and a relatively unknown cast of characters. Its progression is fluid and brilliantly timed with every single scene serving a function. The film begins with the morning events of September 11 as passengers board their planes, wait in terminals for their flights to lift off, and crew members with their rolling suitcases making their way through the airport. Oh, and a couple of Muslims shaving their bodies and chanting prayers to Allah in the comfort of their hotel room. No conversations at the beginning of the film are meaningful, foreshadowing of the horror to come, or intended to develop character in the strict traditional cinematic sense. Instead, it is the very plainness of their dialogue that makes the characters so real: they talk like you and I. They sleep in the airport, check their phones, read their books, and discuss their day and their jobs. They can’t wait to go home. They hear the food is supposed to be good. These are the things that make the audience empathize with them as United 93 takes off.
When the first plane hits, it is nothing more than a radar blip that vanishes off the screen. No one knows what’s going on and ground control and the military are at a loss, trying desperately to coordinate their information. We, as the audience, know what’s wrong… and it’s undeniably reflexive of what happened on that day as well. None of us saw the first plane hit, but we heard about it from friends, teachers, coworkers, family, and classmates. With televisions turned on, we were there to witness the second plane hit. And it’s the same in the movie, too. All information ceases for an uncomfortable handful of seconds as every eye looks up at the New York skyline to see a plane’s rapid decent into the second tower. When the plane hits (taken directly from the actual footage), you hear no noise… only to be followed with what’s on everybody’s mind: “HOLY SHIT.” And it’s not funny, it’s real. This isn’t a Tom Clancy movie where we can laugh at a character’s reaction in that sense. This is something we all think and it’s unnerving to see life unveil before us a second time, this time as a film based on what truly happened to us on that day. We are automatically thrusted back to September 11 and the film never lets go from there.
As the Muslims on United 93 take over, no P.C. action saves them nor justifies them from their action. They scream in Arabic, they scream Allah’s name, they murder innocent people for glory of their religion. The passengers are scared into submission and you, as an audience member, are there with them. The camera is shaky as we see blood from stabwounds and the frantic movement of the passengers to make their way to the back of the plane. It is at this moment that we never see ground control again: you are there, on United 93, with those poor souls from now till the end of the movie. You have no control in this flying deathtrap. You’re there to watch them cry, watch them make their final calls to their loved ones, and see the unfolding of the choice to make one last move to rise against their oppressors even if it kills them. You see both sides pray, one to the Christian God and one to Allah… and it makes no attempt to equalize the two. They are not the same objective God but two totally different ideologies at war with each other. When our protagonists rise up, it is not painted in the same romanticized flare of reluctancy or understanding that you see in films such as Schindler’s List. It is painted in the most plain yet understandable of dialogue: heroics are simply not necessary to define the moment.
As my friend said after leaving the theater, “that was definitely the most not-fun movie to watch.” And she’s right, it’s not. It’s raw, powerful, and immediately depressing. But it’s also the most important movie, historically, of our generation as a post 9/11 culture. It is also a morally uplifting tale that details the wide range of human emotion in the face of adversity and acknowledges the triumph of humanity as a collective entity over the emotive constraint of fear. And it shows that we are in a war of ideals with the passengers of United 93 being the first to win this pyrrhic victory.
Acting: A+
Aesthetics & Entertainment: A+
Storyline: A+
Recommendability: A+
Player 2: DrSpengler
Following on the heels of “Stay Alive”, “Slither” and “Silent Hill” comes this year’s next big horror movie; “United 93”! Of course, we all remember the heart-pounding teaser trailer we saw in the theaters which had our hairs standing on end. The black screen, the disembodied voices…
“Did the plane just turn? Did it just turn!?”
”Oh my God, was that a gun?”
”Are we being hijacked!?”
”ALLAH ACKBAR! LALALALALALALA!!!”
”What the Hell was that!?”
And if you thought the teaser was frightening, then that’s only the beginning. Nothing can prepare you for the terror, the gore and the insanity of “United 93”!
As the story goes, four mischievous Gremlins invade an airplane full of cell-phone gossiping yuppies and gradually turn reality (and the plane) upside down with their rascally hijinks. But these Gremlins are no whacky funsters; they’re actually being controlled by dark forces from beyond, who are instructing them to rain Hell down upon the heads of humanity! The passengers of United 93 have to learn to put aside their racial differences (the black comedian making jokes about white stereotypes was HILARIOUS, especially the way they paired him up with a boring Caucasian business-man) and band-together to thwart these menacing monstrosities. But secrets are revealed about the origins of these strange creatures who talk just like Q-Bert, and you won’t be sure who’s truly good and who’s truly evil.
This is the most original horror movie of the year, packed with action, scares and disturbing monsters. It’s also a super-charged action movie in the vein of “Die Hard 2”, “Air Force One” and “Con Air”. There are explosions a minute and gore a-plenty. This movie has it all!
And it’s not just about the action or the scares, either. The villains of the movie aren’t your typical bad guys. Much like the Joker and Batman, these Gremlins are revealed to actually have been created by the VERY enemy they’ve sworn to destroy! That’s right! Democracy birthed these hideous fiends and now they seek to destroy their creators! With moments such as the Gremlins calling their families to tell them they love them, or praying in their beds, or just interacting intelligently amongst themselves, you truly feel sorry for these characters and wonder who the REAL monsters of the movie are.
It should also be noted that this movie takes place sternly within the Star Wars universe. They aren’t obvious about it at first, but when the Gremlin hijackers start screaming “Ackbar!” into their radios over and over again, you finally realize that they’re not Gremlins at all; they’re Rebel warriors under the command of Admiral Ackbar, fighting the tyranny of the evil Galactic Empire! After that you finally understand that THEY’RE the heroes and the people on the plane, trying to scald them with hot coffee, and the people on the ground, desperate to blow them out of the sky, are really nothing but Storm Troopers out of uniform! Additionally, you’ll cheer when they show the Death Star III getting blown to smithereens by Luke and Lando. I’ll tell you what, I never saw that one coming.
It takes a deep, sophisticated, truly inspired movie to take the villains you’ve sworn to hate, Gremlins hell-bent on mass-murdering thousands of “innocent” people, and tell you that they have feelings to, that they’re just as human as you and me, that they’re OUR responsibility because WE created them, and that we should feel sorry for them and the way they died. Simply brilliant.
This was a moving, terrifying, well-rounded horror epic which belongs on any fan’s shelf right next to “Night of the Comet”, “House of the Dead” and “Rock & Roll Nightmare”. On a scale of 0 points to 100 points, I give it 60 Thousand Gazillion! See it now!
Grade: Cowabunga!